I guess this season we're gonna change the name of the show to Dancing with Anyone who's been on TV--The term “stars” loosely means---if you’ve had 15 minutes of fame you’re considered a star in Hollywood. Hey, I was once on the channel 4 news and actually spoke to a reporter---I better dust off my dancing shoes and wait for my formal invitation to join the cast next season. A Bachelor rejectee as one of the stars?? And Steve the Apple Nerd??? Come on!
With that said…Welcome back friends and fans of DWTS. I have to admit when I first heard that cast of "so called" stars I wasn’t too pleased but after watching the first night---once again they’ve hooked me in. I was pleasantly surprised by last night’s show.Before the actual reviewing begins I'd like to address some general observations first.
Samantha Harris not only has a man voice (I seriously check for an Adam’s apple every time she speaks) but now I can see she’s got man shoulders, too! Good grief…lay off the weights chickie…it’s getting a little too masculine for me. Oh and night of the orange cast is what we should call this first episode. Those spray tans are getting worse and worse and more and more orange! They looked like oompa loompas dancing around. Yikes. Especially, Lacey---I almost adjusted the color on my TV---it was absolutely awful.
My next general observation is that we’ve had a couple pro dancers shed some pounds this season haven’t we? Cheryl and Lacey are noticeably thinner. I guess they were over all the scuttle butt about their weight last season. Well, ladies you looked good then and you look good now. Way to go.
Next item up for discussion---When the “stars” came down the grand staircase---I noticed a little fall by the little contestant Shawn Johnson…of course I laughed. I also noticed that when they were all standing in a line and the camera panned over all of them--- that they had to lower the camera significantly to get little Shawn in the shot. I’m sorry, but that was hysterical!
And finally I did manage to see a teenie clip of the band and singers and although there wasn’t a close up---I saw our loud and proud African queen in the distance…or I should say…I saw her crazy head piece from a distance. All I know is---it was red, it was huge, and it was back! We’re in for an entire season of it. Brace yourselves.
Now that I got some of the general stuff out of the way---I can move on to the “stars” First up…
Derek and Lil’ Kim
Oh my goodness. Between his horrific hair and her shout out to the “ladies of the detention center” I was dying. It looks like we have only the highest quality of stars on this show! Wow—is this something to be proud of? The way she was sporting that orange jumpsuit and talking about how she watched this show while she was in prison with her “girlfriends”—really? That’s what my tax dollars are paying for? Popcorn and TV time? GRRRRRRR How sick that there was no shame in her voice about her past. Just for kicks---I looked up why she was incarcerated and the reason is…she lied to a grand jury about a shooting—she got the minimum sentence of 1 year. Just a little trivia for you.
Belinda and Jonathan
Wait a second!--Jonathon is currently the smooth champion??? That’s a category? Smooth is hardly the word I would use to describe that partnership---Poor poor Belinda---she didn’t do so well. She looked like she was walking half the time and then that turn/spin at the end where she was working so hard to keep both feet on the ground???—good grief it looked like her knees buckled and he was fighting to hold her up. Egads!
Edyta and LT
I just loved when Edyta said, (please add your own Edyta accent in for effect) “I’m known for bringing seduction to the floor” Really? You are? I thought you were known for slutty outfits, crazy head bands, ridiculous leg warmers, and the most annoying accent on this planet? As for their dancing…I thought they did pretty well, he had some moves and he looked good out there for the first night---I thought Scary Ann (props to my girl Lisa for that appropriate title) and Bafoon-o (Bruno) were way too hard on him. It is only the first night folks. When annoying Bruno added his 2 cents about the performance-- it was hysterical to watch LT try and figure out what he meant. I don’t think any of us knew what the heck he was trying to say.
The Jackass Steve-O and Lacey the self-proclaimed Rebel (whatever)
I see he got a new set of dental work for th show's premiere---I’m sure that has to do with his very daring lifestyle. Anyway—I loved the part when he said, “I have a lot of things working against me---1. I’m very Caucasian, I have absolutely no balance, and I have scrawny ankles…” that was funny stuff. I also liked that the so called rebel Lacey—was much calmer this time around. I think she’s finally getting it through her orange head that this show isn’t about her. It’s good to see Jackass on something so wholesome. This will probably do good things for him and his self esteem. Way to go Steve-o---I’m all for getting yourself healthy! I would still watch my back if I was anyone connected to that show!---He’s a prankster and you can bet something will happen during the course of the season.
Gilles and Cheryl
Whoa girl---calm down---she was a little too focused on making the dance sexy and sultry. “Are we lonesome tonight Cheryl dear?” GET A ROOM! However, that aside--- I thought he did great! I could have done without his fingers going from her neck, down in between her “hills” all the way down to her bellybutton. Why did they include that craziness at the end? The music was over---it wasn’t even a part of the dance. Oh brother. If this is the first dance…can you imagine what is in store for us down the road?? Yikes! Another thing about good ole' Cheryl---anyone else notice how she always jumps on her partner at the end of the dance?? Calm down sister…just calm down!
Julianne and Chuck
How cute are they?? I have to say, this might be a bad idea for them. I mean, this can get very stressful and it’s gotta be hard to take orders from someone you love. I hope they are still together at the end of this whole thing. Anyone happen to count how many times the word baby came out of their mouths? That might get annoying. What I think will be fun to watch is Julianne’s reaction to negative comments from the judges. She’s usually really protective of her partners and can get a little snarky with the judges (yes adorable Julianne does have a mean streak—she rolls her eyes and argues back with the judges)—No one better talk trash on her man cause she’ll scratch their eyes out---and rightfully so!
Sidenote:---The little segment included on the sicklies (Jewel and Nancy) of the group was priceless. Whenever I see Jewel I can’t help but think—fix that snaggle tooth already!!! You have the money for it! So, last night, as I was watching I said those exact words to my TV—and my sweet hubby says, “I’ve heard that singers usually stay away from doing anything drastic to their mouths because it might change the way they sound”---something like that and my response was simple---“Jewel---it’s worth the risk---FIX THAT TOOTH!” ---(Okay it's official-- I suck---but anyway moving on...As for Nancy—okay, we get it, you’re injury is serious. I loved her big knee brace and how she had to give us total details on the fact that she needs surgery and that she’ll be in rehab 6-8 weeks…okay okay…we believe you. (not really)
Back to the couples:
Holly and Dmitry
I know…I know…this goes against everything I stand for but I actually like her. I know she’s been in Playboy and bared it all 5 times too many---she’s been living with Hugh Hefner, and lives a life of hedonism but for whatever reason---she doesn’t give me that same icky feeling that Kim Kardashian or Shannon Elizabeth gave me. Perhaps it’s because she’s not pretending to be someone she’s not. She knows her life is offensive to many and she owns it…versus the other 2 who tried to fool the fans of their innocence! I hope she improves by the next dance. Her little cutie of a partner might just give Maksim a run for his money---those crazy Ukrainians are good looking guys. Oh one more thing--he definitely needs to button his buttonless shirt and stop sneaking peeks at Holly’s PEAKS. “wink wink”
Ty and Chelsea
Can we say awkward? He’s so uncomfortable out there. Maybe if we put a bull between his legs he’ll loosen up and feel right at home. I thought his little analogy of “this is like bull riding, you’re never completely ready but then it’s your turn” was too cute! I believe I saw a little boob grab of some sort---but he was so awkward that I might have imagined it. I noticed he messed up pretty bad and then tried to start over but it was no good. Poor thing. His face looked so sad during the comments from the judges. You know who else’s face looked anything but happy?—Jewel! The part where that Carrie Ann said, “You are one cute cowboy…” ooo missy---if looks could kill. Watch it Carrie Ann---she may have a busted foot but that other foot can still find your cougar ass and give it a good kick in the pants.
Sidenote 2: You’ll notice up until this point… I didn’t have too much to say about my nemesis Samantha—I noticed the key to me tolerating her is filling the 2 hours with dancing and giving her as little air time as possible. Well, as expected, she did manage to do something that bothered me. OF COURSE. She asked Ty a question and then literally gave him 2 seconds to answer it and cut him off! Nice interviewing skills missy—real nice.
Shawn Johnson and Mark
She’s definitely our youngest and our buffest contestant by far. Whoa baby---Layla Ali and Misty May have nothing on her baby! Since gymnastics is technically in a Romanian’s blood—and since I am indeed Romanian---I feel immediately connected to this little girl. Although, I have never ever done any gymnastics nor can I even do a cart wheel---but anyway, how sad was the comment about how in gymnastics you’re taught to never show emotion because it’s a sign of weakness. What’s up brainwash?? Way to go Bella Carolli---wait, he trained Nadia---whatever…Bruno doing the gymnastics arm was hysterical. I loved his face.
And now folks---comes the part---that literally sealed the deal that Maks and I are officially over! Before going to commercial---he kissed Slutina Karina on the cheek..lovingly---arggggggg KILL ME NOW! He’ll have to do some major damage control on that one to get back in my good graces!
Steve the Nerd and Karrrrina
Oh my word, that was so painful to watch. Talk about awkward. He made Ty look like a pro. I will say that with every moment of the dance that passed I saw Torrina, Slutina, breakmyheartina slowly slipping out of the competition. It feels wonderful to know she won’t be on for long. BUT I guess that will give her more time to plan that dreaded wedding to my TV husband---oh Maks...why are you doing this to me?? The one other good thing about the poor brilliant sap looking like a complete moron out there was the fact that it brought me comfort to think…hey he may look like a fool but he’s got billions that probably make up for that. I didn’t think Bafoono the Italian smurf had any right calling Steve the Nerd a Tellie Tubby---not cool.
David Allen Greer and Kym
He was a little funny---kind of obnoxious. I practically puked when Carrie Ann said, “Good to see you again”---oh yeah, I highly doubt one of the stars of In Living Color remembers a stupid fly girl….oh that Carrie Ann---taking lessons from Samantha.
Denise the Homewreker Richards and my sweet brainwashed Maksy
Waterworks already??? Oh give it up..no one feels sorry for you. Hey just a thought, since homewrecking is in her past---perhaps she can end this so called engagement between Maks and Karina. Do your stuff---NOW!
Melissa and Tony "Crest White Strips" Dovalani
Number 1--She’s not a star! And number 2---she had 2 days to put that routine together??? ANOTHER LIE FROM THE BACHELOR!!! I’m really not at all surprised to hear yet another lie from that stupid show---another one I refuse to believe. Oh wow….did you all notice how they glitterified her tramp stamp??? Nice huh? Real classy. Melissa, one question for you???---Do you really want to be a loser on TV twice??
Now on to the part you all wait for....My prediction for the winner of season 8 is-----Julianne and Chuck---if they don’t break up before the season ends. They will be the ones to go all the way…why? Because they are freaking adorable, they obviously have chemistry, and she’s got the fan base! The other contenders are Gilles and Cheryl, Tony and Melissa, and Shawn & Mark---but it’s so gonna be Julianne and Chuck.
There you have it.
Until next week, keep dancing...
Len-da Isa-ba
Posts
